Ever just sit and think about your life . . where you are today . . where you have come from . . and where you will go? Have you ever wondered what would life be like if you took a different path . . . or took a chance when given the opportunity . . . Has the thought ever crossed your mind you wish you didn't do something . . . to change how you feel today?
Many times I think and just ponder stuff in my head . . I love my life, my husband, my family . . . but there are things I have done . . or more things I haven't done . . that I wish I could change. If I could go back in time . . I'd be more adventurous and not let my panic attacks ruin a good time. . or let the anxiety get the best of me. My whole life I was fearful of just about everything . . loud noises . . massive groups of people . . . going in stores alone. . . people coughing, sneezing, puking . . . strange men . . being forgotten . . . seriously if it wasn't for the fact I was like 9 and I had to go places with my mom . . I'd be a bubble person.
I have come such a long way from where I was . . but I'm not at the place I'd like to be. When I was first married and I had to go grocery shopping alone I had to talk myself out of crying or flipping out because there are tons of people in there. Having to go places alone has helped me get over that fear. I am a fearful person with the willingness to get over it. I don't think people get it when I have my panic attacks my body physical aches . . .and I am frozen solid . . . and I am pretty much useless in any and all situations.
I have grown a ton and I am very proud of myself . . . but when I look back when I was younger . . I wish I had the courage then to not let my fears take over . . you have no idea how my concerts or events I asked my dad if we could go outside and sit in the car because I was overwhelmed with fear to the point I could hardly breathe . . . it was always a good excuse that the "smoke machines are affecting my asthma" lol I think I am came up with just about every excuse to leave the building . . or party . . or what not . . . now you can't get me to leave! :) I think one of the worse things that has happened to me . . which isn't horrible . . . but anyway . . one thing that always gets me is being forgotten . . that someone wont remember me . . or that they forget I am there . . well I was at the dentist for an Ortho exam . . I was like 15 . . . and Kim (the lady that help with my braces) said she's be right back . . . so I am laying practically upside down in the dentist chair as we all have done . . can't move . . and I'm like . . ok . . everything will be fine . . she will be back . . and I will leave . . . knowing my mom was out in the waiting room helped easy my worry . . . after sometime I started to sweat . . and panic set in . . . where is she . . why hasn't she come back . . . and I was in the last room . . so you can imagine all the thought of being forgotten going through my head. lol . . . So someone walks by. . . and I am like "Ummmm . . can you let someone know I am still back here" . . and the lady jumped . . because she didn't realize I was there . . . and I didn't realize I was laying upside down for 2 hours . . while the lady took a lunch/smoking break! Needless to say I survived being forgotten . . and Kim no longer works for my Dentist! lol
I think that was the breaking point for me . . I survived that . . what else can I over come . . . and after that I have been a little bit more daring . . . and little bit more care free . . . and I took things in stride! Now I am a random, semi-outgoing person, and I feel a whole lot better about myself. :)
Today I face my giants . . .
Today I will conquer my fears . . .
Today I will win all my battles . . .
Today I choose the path of growth . . .
By - Laura Fauls ~ 10-28-05
(fyi Fauls is my maiden name)
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